“We criticize kids because they are always glued to their phones, but parents do the same. Everyone stays in their own world, even if they are physically next to each other.”

These days, Melanie Tavares, 49, is on a roll. And not even the persistent rain or the slippery Portuguese pavement can stop her from looking impeccable, wearing elegant high heels. In addition to her work as a coordinator at the Instituto de Apoio à Criança, her consultations on the south bank of the Tagus and her constant television appearance, this psychologist, born in South Africa and raised first in Brazil and later in Lagos, now adds the tasks related to the publication De Tanto Sufrer, Esqueci-me de Viver [De Tanto Sufrer, Esqueci-me de Viver] [From So Much Suffering, I Forgot to Live] [Planeta, €15.21]. Her first book is based on a personal experience to address a subject that is so often overlooked: trauma.

Was writing about your traumatic episode the final step in your process of overcoming it? It was a challenge from the publisher, after what you had been through became public. But in fact, at the end of the book, I ended up realizing that everything was in the right place and that it wasn't even painful to relive. It served above all to make sure that everything had gone well.

I'm going to ask you to repeat the story you tell in your book. What was the trauma that caused so much in your life? It was a friend who died suddenly, right next to us. We were all children, we were playing – nothing could have predicted something like that. Suddenly, she stopped playing, sat down and we realized she wasn't well. We asked an adult for help (it took some thinking ability, and it wasn't me, because I was completely paralyzed, I think I went into shock), they took her to the hospital, but there was nothing they could do.

What happened to him? At the time, we didn't really know. It must have been something like a massive heart attack, a heart attack, a stroke or something like that. I never found out. We ended up not having much contact with the family, who grieved internally. I don't even remember what happened next.

Did this event make me realize the importance of psychology, even though I was just over 10 years old? It was right there. After a while, I had many episodes of great anxiety, fear and panic attacks. Everything was threatening, from a simple procedure, like going for tests, to going to the beach and sunbathing.

What kind of support did you receive? I was always supported by my family doctor, who is a very humanistic and welcoming person. He gave me some support, but then he realized that I should seek help from a specialized professional.

What was that experience like? It went so badly… I realized that I was in such despair, that I really needed someone who could embrace my pain and work through it.

And the psychologist didn't know how to do that? He couldn't establish a relationship with me, he treated me like an adult, being too directive in his questions and making me verbalize and report everything that had happened. He didn't give me space.

So you thought you should be a psychologist? It was from then on that I began to develop the idea that I wanted to be a psychologist, because I began to realize the importance of being someone who could help other children. Contrary to what would be expected, it wasn't because I identified with that person.

Did you then find someone, as you were looking for, to help you along the way? My doctor continued to support me and I went to a neurologist, but I never went back to a psychologist. It was only as an adult, in Lisbon, that I actually began to have a therapeutic relationship with a psychologist, at a time when I no longer had to deal with this trauma. Not even when I had another traumatic episode – the loss of a cousin who was a great support for me when I already had a more or less normal social life, limited by a strict upbringing – was I able to get proper support.

How did you end up resolving your trauma? I had many conversations with the neurologist and my doctor and things started to get sorted out. Then I had good support from my family, because I didn't do what was expected of a child: play, go to the beach, make friends. I limited myself a lot.

It was strange to have managed to fulfil my dream of becoming a psychologist. It wasn’t easy, because there was no Psychology course in the Algarve and I was about to leave when I lost my cousin. I felt very fragile and began to question whether I was capable of leaving the Algarve. I felt all my fears and anxieties again. And leaving Lagos when I was 18, in 1994, wasn’t exactly the same as leaving now. Fortunately, I had the support of a couple of cousins ​​who lived in Lisbon – they helped me a lot to get things going and get myself organised.

I was also not disappointed with my career. This was exactly what I wanted. I had very enriching volunteering and internship experiences. I met people who are still with me today and who are a role model for me. They made me believe that there were professionals who were very different from the ones I met when I was 10 years old.

Is there still prejudice when it comes to seeking psychological help? There is a huge social stigma surrounding mental health, because we think that people who ask for help are weak and fragile. In general, it is associated with depression, lack of energy, and a lazy person who doesn't want to do anything. Since the pandemic, there has been a greater acceptance that asking for help is an act of courage and not cowardice. There are times in our lives when we need to surround ourselves with people who know how to learn techniques, gain tools, reflect, question, find our way and go back to living without being solely focused on the pain.

Was the pandemic a milestone in global mental health? It was a collective trauma, as no one was prepared for such adversity for so long. It had serious consequences and we will continue to experience them for many years to come, especially for children who were unable to participate in certain rites of passage, such as prom or entering the first year of school. Then there were people who had to postpone life projects, such as getting married. Not to mention rituals such as funerals, which are extremely important for dealing with grief.

Five years have passed, but the memory is still very much alive. It is an emotional legacy: those who lived it will pass it on to their children. We must also think about issues related to family contact, with people who were important figures, such as grandparents, who have lost their close relationship, smells and routines. And then there is the anguish of losing a loved one. Many people suffered in silence, especially in cases of domestic violence or child abuse.

Not everyone has the money to go to therapy, the National Health Service is not able to respond and insurance companies do not cover the cost. How do you resolve these outstanding issues? Do you take pills? That is usually what happens. It all starts with taking pills from your family doctor. Medication effectively alleviates the symptoms – sometimes it is very important. When someone is in deep pain, we can’t even talk to them. However, the intervention should be interdisciplinary. If we don’t work on the causes, it is like going to the dentist and putting a composite in your tooth, without cleaning it all the way to the root – sooner or later it will hurt. I get distressed when I see people arriving at my appointment at the limit.

They really have no alternative... And they end up taking this medication to be more functional, so that their routine is not compromised. Over time, the financial impact on the State's coffers is greater because we have a lot of sick leave due to mental health issues, low productivity, and social support has to be activated, when we should be investing in prevention.

Schools will have one psychologist for every 500 students, starting next school year. Is that enough? The work in schools is more about screening than actually treating. But it is important to have psychologists working in the areas of primary prevention, namely managing aggression, violence, frustration, values, and ways of being and being. And to carry out timely screening of situations that require psychotherapeutic support.

Is this the kind of work you do at the Child Support Institute, as a school mediation coordinator? This mediation is carried out in schools through the Student and Family Support Offices. There are multidisciplinary teams that support students, during recess and in the classroom, with awareness-raising interventions on topics related to the needs of those children. We also support families, trying to support parents in their parental roles. From time to time, we have some who resign.

Is this requested by the school? Yes. We carry out many actions in schools, whether with parents, teachers or students. Last year, we monitored almost seven thousand children, from 47 school groups from north to south of the country. The problems we diagnosed were resolved in 70% of cases.

The series Adolescence brought the issue of cyberbullying to the forefront. How has this form of aggression changed the process? In the past, people suffered from bullying at school. We would leave school during the holidays and weekends and feel safe. We avoided fear, humiliation and confrontation with the aggressor. Nowadays, victims are being bullied 24 hours a day. And while at school we could identify those who were doing us harm, now, many times, these bullies are faceless, because, cowards as they are, they end up creating fake or even anonymous profiles to threaten their victims. Furthermore, there is a level of exposure that also goes beyond school. Now, it is harder to identify, harder to resolve and harder to recover the victim. They are aware that once they are on the internet, their whole life is on the internet.

Did it take a series for parents to realize what's going on with their children? We've been warning for at least 15 years that the danger lies in children's pockets. At first, we told them to supervise and to keep the computer in the living room. Then it got worse, with the Internet everywhere, at any time.

Has it become harder for parents to supervise? We criticize children for being glued to their tablets and cell phones, but parents behave exactly the same way. Everyone stays in their own world, even if they are right next to each other, in the same physical space. This means the end of relationships, communication and family time, which involves sharing activities, conversations, worries, achievements, dreams, joys and sadness. And arguments, which are also part of being in a family – it is easier not to get angry if everyone continues to live their own life.

How can we deal with what they have in their pockets when the whole world is inside? As I said, it starts with parents using their cell phones less – they are role models for their children, who replicate what they see. Children are organized by routine. What disorganizes them is the lack of limits and rules.

There are always those who are more challenging… We need to be extra careful with these. And, although I believe that we have to respect our children’s privacy, parents have to intervene in everything that puts their physical or mental integrity at risk. If there is any kind of suspicion, we should promote a lot of dialogue and leave it open for them to share. Don’t criticize at first, try to convey a message that is educational, be aware of certain changes in behavior, such as greater isolation or increased irritability – anything that changes how our children usually are. If you think they are not capable of doing it alone, seek technical help.

What are the main myths about trauma? That everything passes with time. How much time? Whose time? Time is everyone's own and it can be much more painful and long-lasting if the person decides to go through this journey alone. There is also that myth that “it's all in your head”. Yes, but we have to respect the suffering of others, otherwise we risk dragging the person down even further. What matters is how a certain event impacted each person and this has a lot to do with personality structure, upbringing, the context in which one lives, the people one has around one, the friends one has made throughout life. No one is like this because they want to be. However, sometimes you have to really want to get out. There is always another way of seeing reality, especially if we know how to seek help, even if it's from a friend.

Your 22-year-old son has special needs. Was this another traumatic event for you? I don't think it was a trauma. Perhaps I would consider it a wound, because my anguish, my premonition, my presentiment were discredited. They always undervalued me because I was a psychologist, because I was anxious. Then I had to project the anguish of not being eternal, which required me to prepare for the future. Shortly after the diagnosis, I became pregnant again, aware that if the same genetic problem was confirmed, I would have to terminate the pregnancy, which I did. It was all distressing and, at that time, yes, I received fundamental psychological support.

Is self-esteem something you are born with or something you work on? You are not born with anything. That is why the bond you establish with your caregivers, not necessarily your mother or father, is so important. I am talking about the way they invest in the child and then, as the child grows, the way they deal with their frustrations and expectations.

Is self-love confused with egocentrism? Loving ourselves does not mean living in a self-centered way, it means positioning ourselves in the world as unique and special beings, but not exclusive. When we are egocentric, the world revolves around us, we do not have the capacity for empathy, to put ourselves in someone else's shoes or understand their feelings. When we have self-esteem, we are taking care of ourselves, but we do not think that we are the last Coca-Cola in the desert, that we are the only ones who exist and that others revolve around us.